Life After Divorce and Online Dating

Ok, I have a confession. Remember that awesome marriage I told you about? Well, truth be told…it’s not awesome and hasn’t been for a long time. Our problems have always been there for years but they were suppressed until things exploded a couple years ago. I actually moved out of our house back in January of this year, so we’ve been separated for 6 months.

I don’t want to bore you with all the details but after that explosion things just went completely downhill and we couldn’t seem to get up from it. Not to mention that my (ex) husband has mental illness and it made things very difficult. I was his emotional punching bag for the last couple years and I took it until I couldn’t anymore. Mainly because I thought it would get better. I thought that if we just kept up with the medications and the counseling then things would eventually get better and we would be 20 years old again and completely in love and obsessed with each other.

not the case

So, right after we celebrated our 8 year anniversary of marriage this year, we decided it was time to call it quits. We weren’t happy and I did the ultimate betrayal. I cheated on him. I say that I cheated on him because even though we were separated we still had hopes of working things out and we talked every day.  There is no justifying what I did, but I did have my reasons. None of which I am ready to talk about yet. Someday I will though. Soon.

He still wanted to work on things but the love was so far gone and we were irreparable damage. I just could not love him anymore not after being shown the kind of love that I could have. So, I moved to California for good with my son back in January. We’ve been doing okay. I was able to transfer with my job and do some serious self-reflection. My ex is in Texas currently and we don’t have a custody plan or anything laid out like that, but I did have my son go with him for the summer and I will get him back for the school year. We don’t have any plans and of course, this will be hard.

Now, it has been a little over a month since we decided to go ahead with the divorce and we both have experienced every possible emotion but I keep having to remind myself that this is the best thing for us. We needed to separate and we need to find our own happiness again.

Now comes the weird part? Fun part? Exciting part? Sad part. Dating after divorce. And before anyone throws judgment, let me be clear when I say that I’ve struggled with my emotions and love for my husband for years. I always knew that we shouldn’t be together and I got so depressed. I could not be happy about anything and my anxiety was constantly at an all time high. My love for him has been gone for a long time and as much as I tried… it was not coming back. It’s hard to build a life with someone and have it crumble before you slowly over the course of a few years. It’s really fucking sad.

When I met my husband I was 19/20 years old and we only knew each other for 6 months before we got married. I am now 28, almost 29. I have a 6-year-old. I am at that age where most of my friends are just now falling in love, getting married, and having their first child. Of course, I wish I was smarter and waited but that’s life and when you are 20, you think you already know everything. It is now 2017 and the dating game has changed tremendously. People are on Tinder, Bumble, POF and whatever else. I am not with it. I don’t get it and I feel very weird about it. After some peer pressure, I decided to download a couple apps. I made a profile and with a few swipes, I had a date for later that week. I know all about internet safety and keeping yourself safe. I pin dropped my location to my sisters and kept them updated throughout the date. I won’t go into too much detail about the date but he was nice and respectful and was very cool with my situation. I figured I should just be honest because I wanted to weed out anyone who wouldn’t call me for a second date anyway.

He texted me the next day and we had a lunch date a couple days later. Things were moving in a direction that I liked but to be completely honest, I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. And going on those dates with him just helped solidify my feelings about getting divorced. He’s 30 years old, no responsibilities, has a college degree, but doesn’t use it. And works nights at a hotel as a bartender. Of course, it wasn’t going anywhere. It’s been a couple days and we haven’t spoken.

I am so glad that this happened. I am happy that now I know there is something out there for me, it wasn’t bartender guy, but it’ll be someone else. In the meantime, I deleted those dating apps. I don’t like meeting people like that. I would like to meet someone authentically. At the grocery store, at a bar, a night out with my girlfriends, at work or through mutual friends. Online dating isn’t for me. Not right now anyway. Maybe later. For now, it is me time. I am continuing to focus on myself and finding my complete independence.

Good luck out there. Love is real and love can be found again.

xoxo

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Ode to Molly

It has been a month since my very first post. I have a problem. I realize this now. I get caught up in life and find excuses to be too busy for my blog.

But this post is different because I need to talk about her. I still feel the loss of her every day and I haven’t been able to talk about her without crying. Molly was our family dog. She was a Chocolate Labrador mix and the most beautiful creature to every set a foot in our lives.

My husband had just gotten back from his final deployment a few years ago and was dealing with the stress of being home and the transition back to civilian life. It was very rough, to say the least. We already had a small dog, but Meeko (toy poodle mix) was more just my dog than anything. But, one day I was searching online through Facebook, Craiglist, and the humane society in our city for a dog that was ready to be adopted. I was specific in my search for the breed and gender because I wanted to not only provide a home for our new family member but also a companion and emotional rescue for my husband. I came across an ad about Molly and her owner had moved away, out of state, for a new job and unfortunately, couldn’t take Molly with him. I looked at all the pictures posted of her and immediately fell in love with her eyes and her beautiful nature. I decided to contact the owner and ask about meeting Molly. We agreed on a park for meeting and I brought along Meeko to see how they would get along. I was assured that Molly was great with kids and other dogs.
Molly was very excited and jumped all over me and Jacob. Meeko was very scared and ran to me to hold him up away from her. After a short encounter, I already knew I loved her. The owner and I agreed to let her come home with me and see how she does. My husband met us in the driveway and helped me get her out of the Jeep. She jumped on him and licked him. Almost like she was saying “thank you”. My husband fell in love with her that night.

She adjusted well to our home and immediately became the alpha and Meeko, being only a couple months old, attached himself to her as if she were his mama. Molly embraced her new life with us and she became a vital part of our family. She protected Jacob whenever he played outside with the neighbor kids, always watching but never interfering. She was in tune with my husband’s emotions and always knew when she was needed to help him when he was getting anxious or depressed. She wasn’t registered as a service animal, but she could’ve been. Molly was very smart and knew many commands. She did have some flaws to her: the trash. We could never leave anything out because she would get it. Many nights we would come home to our kitchen and living room destroyed with trash because our Miss Molly would throw it all over. It was frustrating but we cleaned it up and hoped it wouldn’t happen again. Lol!
Molly had her spot in our bed, it was always in between Nick and me. She loved Nick and was so loyal to him. Wherever he went, she followed. And they shared everything together. I loved the way Nick was with her and I loved the way she was with him. She was a very patient dog and calmed any situation.

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Now, a couple years later we are in Texas settling into our new home. Molly is exploring her new place and we notice things that were new to us: large field mice, rats, and lots of bunnies/rabbits. We were in North Dallas and there was plenty of farmlands around us. We chose this spot for space and didn’t actually think about the wildlife. We had Molly up to date on her vaccines according to California standards. It was completely our fault for not contacting a vet local to our new Texas home and ask if there were any other vaccines available, but at the same time, I was very naive in thinking that it shouldn’t be any different.

Leptospirosis is what the vet said. You can look it up but in short, it’s a bacterial disease spread through the urine of infected animals. Remember when I said Molly was curious? Well, she was curious enough to somehow lick the urine of a rat. According to the vet, it is very easy to get it. Now, there is a vaccine for this that Texas vets give regularly but unfortunately, it wasn’t one she got while in California.

I didn’t know the signs in the beginning when she got sick and I honestly thought she was stressed from the move. I have this guilt that never goes away from that. The disease took hold of her and before we could do anything about it, it had left permanent damage. She was in renal failure and any day she was going to pass from this. We spent thousands of dollars trying to save her but nothing could reverse the damage. We were able to get 3 more months with her but after that time, the disease really took a toll on her and with lots of counseling from her Vet, we decided we couldn’t let her suffer anymore. It was the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
My husband is a USMC vet, he’s been all over the world fighting terrorism and has seen many things but having to put down Molly was the hardest of it all.
The vet let us take her home one last time and we gave her the best send off that we possibly could.

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Molly died December 30th, 2016 she was 6 years old and not a day goes by where we don’t talk about her or think about her. She impacted our lives in such a way that we never dreamed possible. We loved her like she was just another child we had. We were her parents and she was our daughter. It’s still hard and it’s hard even now writing this. We haven’t stopped crying for her and wish that there was more we could’ve done.

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Nice to meet you.

Not sure, exactly, how you wandered here but let me start by saying welcome and thank you for showing up. My name is Kandis Marie and hopefully, I will actually stick to my blog this time. You see, I’ve started and abandoned a few blogs but this time it will stick and I will be motivated to keep writing because I don’t know, maybe you will enjoy this crazy thing called life with me.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me tell you just a little bit about myself. A few years ago a teacher of mine asked the class to say something interesting about yourself so that he wouldn’t forget your name. I sat back and sunk in my chair because let’s face it, there was nothing interesting about me. He glanced at the roll sheet and called my name, without looking up he said “well that’s a weird way to spell it.” I sat up and faked confidence as best as I could and said “My name is Kandis, kinda like Kansas but it’s not…” The class, included the teacher, abrupted in laughter. He never did forget my name and still to this day he tells that story to his classes. (most likely not true, but a girl can dream)

I am married to a wonderful man of almost 8 years and we have a 6-year-old boy named Jacob. I will talk about them a lot. I work part time as a waitress (bleh!) while going to school to be a nurse (yay!). Currently living in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas and very often you will find us in Southern California, San Diego to be exact. I waited to go back to college until my son was in school. It was the right thing to do for our family and I really wanted to raise our son. So here I am, 28 years old and a college sophomore. My son and I do our homework together! (insert laughing emoji) Nick, my husband, is finishing up a few classes to get his real estate license. He is a USMC Veteran and has always worked in Aviation but recently decided on a career change.

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Why is it so boring to talk about yourself? And that’s an old picture but it’s cute and I love it.

I’ll end this on a light note. I picked up Jacob from school today and on our walk home he shows me an Easter card that he made me in class. I open it up and it reads “MOM- Jacob PPWNWAJ” Translation? Jacob said he wrote Happy Easter in Spanish.
He’s in Kindergarten. (shoulder shrug)

xoxo
Kandis Marie