Ok, I have a confession. Remember that awesome marriage I told you about? Well, truth be told…it’s not awesome and hasn’t been for a long time. Our problems have always been there for years but they were suppressed until things exploded a couple years ago. I actually moved out of our house back in January of this year, so we’ve been separated for 6 months.
I don’t want to bore you with all the details but after that explosion things just went completely downhill and we couldn’t seem to get up from it. Not to mention that my (ex) husband has mental illness and it made things very difficult. I was his emotional punching bag for the last couple years and I took it until I couldn’t anymore. Mainly because I thought it would get better. I thought that if we just kept up with the medications and the counseling then things would eventually get better and we would be 20 years old again and completely in love and obsessed with each other.
not the case
So, right after we celebrated our 8 year anniversary of marriage this year, we decided it was time to call it quits. We weren’t happy and I did the ultimate betrayal. I cheated on him. I say that I cheated on him because even though we were separated we still had hopes of working things out and we talked every day. There is no justifying what I did, but I did have my reasons. None of which I am ready to talk about yet. Someday I will though. Soon.
He still wanted to work on things but the love was so far gone and we were irreparable damage. I just could not love him anymore not after being shown the kind of love that I could have. So, I moved to California for good with my son back in January. We’ve been doing okay. I was able to transfer with my job and do some serious self-reflection. My ex is in Texas currently and we don’t have a custody plan or anything laid out like that, but I did have my son go with him for the summer and I will get him back for the school year. We don’t have any plans and of course, this will be hard.
Now, it has been a little over a month since we decided to go ahead with the divorce and we both have experienced every possible emotion but I keep having to remind myself that this is the best thing for us. We needed to separate and we need to find our own happiness again.
Now comes the weird part? Fun part? Exciting part? Sad part. Dating after divorce. And before anyone throws judgment, let me be clear when I say that I’ve struggled with my emotions and love for my husband for years. I always knew that we shouldn’t be together and I got so depressed. I could not be happy about anything and my anxiety was constantly at an all time high. My love for him has been gone for a long time and as much as I tried… it was not coming back. It’s hard to build a life with someone and have it crumble before you slowly over the course of a few years. It’s really fucking sad.
When I met my husband I was 19/20 years old and we only knew each other for 6 months before we got married. I am now 28, almost 29. I have a 6-year-old. I am at that age where most of my friends are just now falling in love, getting married, and having their first child. Of course, I wish I was smarter and waited but that’s life and when you are 20, you think you already know everything. It is now 2017 and the dating game has changed tremendously. People are on Tinder, Bumble, POF and whatever else. I am not with it. I don’t get it and I feel very weird about it. After some peer pressure, I decided to download a couple apps. I made a profile and with a few swipes, I had a date for later that week. I know all about internet safety and keeping yourself safe. I pin dropped my location to my sisters and kept them updated throughout the date. I won’t go into too much detail about the date but he was nice and respectful and was very cool with my situation. I figured I should just be honest because I wanted to weed out anyone who wouldn’t call me for a second date anyway.
He texted me the next day and we had a lunch date a couple days later. Things were moving in a direction that I liked but to be completely honest, I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. And going on those dates with him just helped solidify my feelings about getting divorced. He’s 30 years old, no responsibilities, has a college degree, but doesn’t use it. And works nights at a hotel as a bartender. Of course, it wasn’t going anywhere. It’s been a couple days and we haven’t spoken.
I am so glad that this happened. I am happy that now I know there is something out there for me, it wasn’t bartender guy, but it’ll be someone else. In the meantime, I deleted those dating apps. I don’t like meeting people like that. I would like to meet someone authentically. At the grocery store, at a bar, a night out with my girlfriends, at work or through mutual friends. Online dating isn’t for me. Not right now anyway. Maybe later. For now, it is me time. I am continuing to focus on myself and finding my complete independence.
Good luck out there. Love is real and love can be found again.